


words only get through if they're sharp

by tobewritten



Series: what if it cost you your heart? [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Multi, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 13:17:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12888684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobewritten/pseuds/tobewritten
Summary: Jeremiah Danvers died seven days before Thanksgiving, taking her daughter's heart to the grave with him on his way over.





	words only get through if they're sharp

**Author's Note:**

> related to "Don't paint me black when i used to be golden" so do check that out too (not necessarily in order but...)
> 
> this is written in a different style and that's why it's all a series of one-shots!

Jeremiah Danvers died the week of Thanksgiving.

The world didn't stop, didn't dampen their holiday spirits, didn't stop giving thanks and sharing gratitude over turkey and mash potatoes.

The world continued to spin like normal.

Like how it's supposed to. Like how it would when he wasn't supposed to die. Like how it would if he had been alive, albeit on the wrong side of right.

Alex Danvers' heart stopped functioning the very same night.

Because her world had stopped, and she's grateful for many things - like how Kara's alive and healing, how she still has Maggie and Lucy by her side, how J'onn is still breathing - but

she can't.

Jeremiah Danvers died seven days before Thanksgiving, taking her daughter's heart to the grave with him on his way over.

\---

Six days before Thanksgiving:

Alex knows the blood won't leave her hands no matter how much she scrubs her skin raw. She knows that there will always be blood on her hands, but lately she's been seeing them everywhere she goes. She couldn't wash it off during her shower and she couldn't seem to un-notice it.

Sometimes she sees the blood on other places than her hands.

(sometimes she sees it on maggie and on lucy and she has to stop herself from puking, from the sinking feeling of her heart)

Alex knows she sees the blood prominently in places that she called home - her apartment, the DEO -

which is why she finds herself on the waterfront, sitting on one of the wooden benches overlooking the view and pretending that the water isn't filled with the colors of blood and pain and gore.

She remains passive as people bypass her, staring intently into the water.

Her coat swayed heavily against the strong wind. The cloud is turning gray and everyone's rushing back into any sort of shelter they could find.

If she stares hard enough, the water remains blue instead of the awful deep dark crimson red.

The first few droplets of rain were dismissal. until it pours out of the blue, pattering against the ground heavily, thudding and the ever slight booming of thunder.

Alex picked herself up slowly, eyes downcast to track where the raindrops, as she made her way back to her apartment.

The dark gray cloud seemed to follow her back home.

\---

3 days before Thanksgiving:

She struggles her way out of the bed, pulling her legs out of entangled limbs and comforter as she tried to crawl out through the middle. A hand reached out to stop her and Alex froze.

"Please don't go," Lucy whispered, her fingers gently tightening their hold on Alex's wrist.

A quick glance at the clock states that it's only four in the morning.

and Alex understood what she's requesting. that don't go means ‘please don't leave us alone without telling us where you went or when you'll be home.' that it also means ‘you've been doing this for the past four days and we're worried but we don't want to push but Alex, god Alex please let us in'

that don't go means

‘Alex, we love you. We want to be here for you. Please, let us be here for you,'

Alex wished she could give more; could respond to them more than just a nod when they told her all the things she needed to hear, when they reassured her for the past few days when all Alex had been doing is pushing them away.

Pushing them and keeping them at arm lengths

(She still sees the blood on them and god, she can't scrape that off them.

She can bear the blood on her hands but never on them.)

Alex shook her head slightly but didn't pull herself free from Lucy's touch. A shift on the other side of the bed alerted her that Maggie too had woken up.

Another thing that she shouldn't have caused.

(but Alex is known to hurt those around her. Known to be ruthless and hurtful and cause nothing but pain. pain. pain around her.)

"Alex, baby you don't have to talk. But let us be here for you," Maggie whispered, her voice still gravelly from sleep and Alex felt her heart sinking again and again and again.

These girls deserve nothing but the best, nothing but love, nothing but goodness in the world.

they deserve something more than... Alex.

Alex knows she has nothing to give them now, except for future pain that she knows will be inevitable.

Alex loves them too much to hurt them intentionally or unintentionally.

The bed shifted again, the comforter slowly riding down the edge of the bed as her girls moved closer and closer and

Alex shook her head vigorously, painfully, shakily.

a sob escaped her lips. There are tears falling on their own accord and

and Alex can't breathe.

she can't breathe and the world is crashing and her heart is racing and fuck oh fuck

is this what death is?

fuck, why can't she breathe? where the fuck is the air.

and it's her head thumping and oh god, oh god, this is how she dies.

this is karma and fate telling her she doesn't deserve to live. not after what she did. not after what she could've done. what she would've done.

"Alex, baby girl, i need you to breathe into my hand,"

"Alex, you're safe. You're okay. Alex, come back to us, baby. Come back to us,"

\---

Thanksgiving day:

while families should be sitting around the dining table, holding hands or sharing smiles, they shouldn't be here standing in front of the grave of one deceased family member.

Alex only had a mind to listen to the soft prayer Kara whispered as they lowered down her father.

She stood still at the back of the mass of people in blacks. and she feels nothing.

She took a step further away from Maggie and Lucy, who had been clutching her hands until she pulled herself away.

(lately, that's the only thing she'd known how to do.)

She listened to J'onn's eulogy on her father

(a responsibility that she had pushed away as soon as her mother tried to make her do.

it was the first time in a while she took her mother's scolding, believing every word that she spoke.

_"what kind of a daughter are you, to not want to say a eulogy at her father's funeral?"_

_"we're all mourning, Alexandra. Why must you get the damn special treatment, huh? We're all hurting and you're being so damn selfish about it,"_ )

She wonders if everyone here knows how her father - no. Jeremiah Danvers- actually died.

She wonders if they knew that his killer was standing among them, specifically at the far back, watching as everyone mourns for the man who they thought they knew. For the man that had died when Alex was fifteen, that the Jeremiah Danvers now isn't as good, as kind, as the father she had lost.

Alex wonders if she should just scream that he had them fooled till the last second. Had made everyone believed that Cadmus hadn't changed him, that he had his redemption that-

_He had his hands around Kara's neck, his bio-mechanical arm doing most of the lifting as the Kryptonian struggled against his grasp._

_Alex stumbled into the room, one hand clutching the arm of the other. She hissed as she stepped forward, pain shooting up from her shin._

_There was so much smoke, so much dust, so little clarity as she rummaged the ground for a fallen gun._

_She heard Kara's pleading voice._

_The dust and smoke were still thick and Alex coughed out the things in her throat. Her lungs were burning, her legs were aching and begging to give way, and she had too little energy left to bring up her uninjured arm whilst still trying to keep herself up._

_Kara's voice became louder, become more frantic and more desperate._

_Alex pushed through her own haze to get to her sister._

_The cloud of smoke cleared and Alex barely made out the scene in front of her._

_but there it was._

_her father - no her enemy - having Kara up above the ground with a green kryptonite sword pointing at her chest._

_Alex hesitated for a second, her jaw clenching, her body mustering all its final strength left._

_She raised her arm and aimed the gun._

_she pulled the trigger before Jeremiah could put the sword down._

\---

The reception was more suffocating than the funeral itself. People come and people go and they wished their condolences to her and Alex feels every nerve in her body agitated and irritated as the time passed by.

It was Maggie's hands in her palm that grounds her in the moment.

Alex could barely make out Lucy at the corner of her eyes, trying to talk people away into coming towards Alex.

Alex tightened her hold on Maggie's hands as her mother passed by and pretended as if she didn't exist.

perhaps, that was for the best.

The reception lasted longer than Alex could keep up and by the time the last final guest had trailed out,

she could finally breathe again.

\---

She avoided her mother as best as she could in the small amount of space, maneuvering around the living room to take care of the discarded empty plates and cups, passing it off to Maggie who'd sent it to Kara in the kitchen.

To some extent, Alex was avoiding Kara too.

She can't face anyone really.

"Do you want to take a walk?" Lucy asked as the last plate had been cleared.

Alex didn't look up when she nodded her head. Now that she wasn't occupied with trying to avoid people and cleaning up, her eyes started seeing patches of blood on her hands again.

Alex swallowed down the fear that was rising in her throat and allowed Lucy to take the lead.

"I don't understand why she gets to shut down and shut us out-"

"with all due respect, Dr. Danvers, Alex is hurting and mourning-"

"so is all of us! That's my husband!"

Alex pushed down the feeling that was crawling up her throat as she halted in her tracks to listen to the conversation.

"I was just starting to get my love back. I was just starting to see the sparks of him again and then he's gone-"

alex crossed her arms over her stomach and leaned against the wall. She barely registered Lucy trying to get her to leave.

Alex feels like she deserves this.

She wonders why Kara's remaining quiet in the entire conversation.

her heart sank when she wonders if Kara feels the same way too.

It's her fault that she ripped away Jeremiah's redemption.

"alex, baby, let's go, okay?" Lucy whispered, tugging her out of the door. Alex flinched at her touch, before relaxing and forcing air to enter her lungs.

The hold on her lungs only tightened and Alex thinks she may have forgotten how to breathe.

\---

3 days after Thanksgiving:

_The gun sits uncomfortably in the palm of her hand. It felt too hard and too light at the same time as she aims the gun in front of her._

_There's ringing in her ears from the blast of the bomb that exploded somewhere. Alex had to shake herself three times before the world turned into focus again._

_Her eyes scanned the area and she zoomed in on where Lucy was. There's blood trickling down her face and into her lips._

_Lucy was holding her own just fine and that should be enough. But she's still waiting for orders. Still crouched behind a rubble, waiting for the hostile aliens to show themselves._

_"Agent Danvers, cover me!" Director Lane shouted and Alex holstered her pistol, picking up a discarded machine gun on the ground instead. She checked her rounds, reloading the gun before nodding towards Lucy._

_They raided the bunkers, ambushing anyone inside but was careful about who they put their bullets in._

_Alex almost missed the alien who sneaked up behind Lucy, throwing the Director to the ground before picking her up by the neck._

_Alex fired but the shots ricochet off the alien._

_The alien looked towards her, scales ripping, eyes glowing, teeth snarling. And then it shifted._

_Alex's heart stopped beating and her hands fumbled as she reloaded the gun with stronger bullets. Her eyes teared up and her body shook._

_"You'll always be a killer,"_

_Was the last thing she heard as the bullet fired off towards her sister's head._

_not her sister. An alien who shifted into her sister._

she's not a killer she's not a killer she's not-

Alex startled awake, gasping for air as she pulls the suffocating cover away from her body. Chest heaving and eyes darting around the room, she couldn't register Lucy's touch on her forearm.

Alex shuddered and only pulled away.

\---

4 days after Thanksgiving:

"why are you still here?"

Confusion and shock strike both of her girlfriends' faces and Alex steeled herself.

"Al- Alex. we love you. we love you. we do," Lucy muttered, grasping Alex's hand and clutching it to her chest. She sought Alex's eyes but Alex refused to look at her.

"you shouldn't"

"we love you," Maggie echoed.

Alex shook her head vigorously. They got it wrong. They shouldn't love her, not after all the blood on her hand, not after all the things she'd done.

"i'm a monster why can't you see that?" Alex muttered exasperatedly.

"you are not a monster-"

Alex got up to leave, got up because their inability to see the truth was suffocating her, that she should just leave because it's better for the both of them. They deserve so much better than a killer who only kills people close to her.

A hand wrapped around her wrist stopped her from getting far and the heaviness in her chest tightened its hold on her heart.

"stop, sit. You're going to listen to us. Please. Alex,"

Alex caved in faster than she thought she would. As Maggie cleared her throat to speak, there was a sudden crash from the balcony and all three women reacted by pulling out their guns.

Supergirl stumbled into the apartment, with hands up in surrender, and face full of remorse.

Alex's throat tightened and her heart beats louder in her ears. Supergirl stepped forward and Alex stepped backward.

"i'm so so sorry. I- Rao, Alex i don't even know to apologize and I'm so sorry, it took me this long," Kara apologized, her words tumbling out faster than Alex could catch it.

Kara closes in on her and Lucy raised out her arm to stop her from getting further. and Alex felt herself let go of the breath she's holding.

"Alex-" Kara begged, her eyes full of guilt and sorrow.

Alex's arms cross her stomach and she clenched her shirt tightly. Her eyes remain stoic on the floor as she tried to comprehend what the hell is happening. Maggie sighed and crouched down, forcing herself to be in Alex's view.

"Baby," Maggie whispered.

The tension in the apartment only become stronger and Kara wanted to fight against Lucy's warning. She wanted to run up to her sister and hug her and beg her till Alex forgives her.

"Don't, Kara. Let her come to you," Lucy said quietly but firmly.

Kara looked at her, her lips quivering and every nerve of her body wanting to do the opposite but she nodded her head instead.

Patience had never been her strong suit but after everything, Kara forced herself to wait and to stay and to pretend that with every second passing by, her heart isn't already breaking into smaller pieces. (But she did this. She hurt her sister - her sister who had always been by her side. She hurt Alex far worse than she could have ever hurt anyone else.)

"I'm sorry, Alex. You don't have to forgive me now, or soon. But I need you to know that I'm so so sorry for hurting you. for blinding myself from the truth. For being in denial that he was the evil one. That he wasn't going to change. That all you did was to save me. I'm so sorry, Alex," Kara broke down, tears falling down her face and she would have fallen if it wasn't for Lucy's hands holding her up.

Kara clutched onto Lucy like how she would clutch onto Alex if her sister had allowed her to. But still, she waited.

Alex's body shook as she leaned against the kitchen island, her eyes watering at Kara's endless stream of apologies. Her eyes searched through Maggie's, wondering what is she supposed to do now.

wondering if she could believe what Kara is saying.

She wanted to reach out to Kara but god, she's so so afraid.

Alex looked down at Maggie and shook her head subtly. ‘It's okay' Maggie mouthed, grasping her hands and squeezing slightly.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, again and again, hoping Kara could hear her.

She turned towards the bedroom, her body visibly shaking and Maggie stood up to steady her.

"I'm sorry," she said, void of emotions as she dragged her feet into the room.

(Kara deserves better than her. Kara need not her apology. Kara should be anywhere but with her.)

_She's a killer. Killer. Kill her._

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope yall enjoyed this major angst 
> 
> do leave a comment and kudos if you did like it and wish for more! Thanks for reading!


End file.
